Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
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Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
This kid will have a bright future.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Anyone really
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Happy Thanksgiving
Hello Twits.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.