911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
You Might Also Like
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.