*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
You Might Also Like
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”