*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.