These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
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HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.