who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
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Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Genius idea!!
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Hank is one in a melon.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Worth a try
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth