[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
You Might Also Like
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??