don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
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Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.