if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
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My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
When I said I liked it rough.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.