The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
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[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.