What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
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Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
What a website
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”