My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
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My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
honestly, i need both:
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
New menu item
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that