What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
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@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.