You Might Also Like
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.