I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
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friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.