“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
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Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.