Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
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[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.