i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
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There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
im 7 sauces long
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it