I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
You Might Also Like
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
it was a valiant fight
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs