Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
You Might Also Like
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health