sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
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My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”