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sleeping beauty
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.