Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
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Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
awkward
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van