People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
You Might Also Like
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
If you’re testing me, we failed.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
They’re really bad with fonts.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.