My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
You Might Also Like
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.