I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
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It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
what?
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.