Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
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[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
#Caturday
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.