Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
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My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.