If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
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After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Sharon, call the vet
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.