Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
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cat vs inanimate object
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit