Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
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PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I don’t know what to do
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
is this meant to deter me
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
How does one answer this?
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.