Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
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Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?