I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
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I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
My first child will be named New Folder.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”