Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
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Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Same post same
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.