Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
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There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️