seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
You Might Also Like
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.