[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
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I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma