If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
You Might Also Like
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land