Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
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You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Doggies just call it style.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!