My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
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HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.