if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
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EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
eggs benadryl
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.