White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
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Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
I wanna be friends with this person
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Cndnsd Mlk
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.