Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
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The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Do not steal food from the science building!
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
There’s always that one guy
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays