His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
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Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh