I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
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Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
it was love at first sight
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden: