On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
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Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.