An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
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I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan