How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
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It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.