My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
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LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.