me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
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How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Not helping
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”